4 Strategies When Empty Nest Life Is Disappointing
When Life Is Disappointing
About 10 years ago I was mad at God. I wasn't even trying to pretend anymore or act like I had plenty of faith and trust, while I actually harbored resentment and grief. I was angry at the Lord for not keeping His end of the bargain.
After all, I’d laid my life down for my kids. I’d homeschooled and led them through Scripture and tried to protect them from bad influences. Yet my eldest, at the age of 22, was getting a divorce. A divorce! Things were supposed to turn out much differently.
Finally, Jesus and I sat down for a chat. I honestly laid out my case of disappointment. I’d held up my end of the bargain by continuing to homeschool and train my kids even when it felt like it might kill me. Where had He been? When did He look away? How could He let this happen?
After ranting for some time, my Lord, who could have justifiably struck me with lightning, quietly said, “Why did you homeschool?”
“You know why, Jesus. To give them a better, more individualized education, where You could be the center.”
Again, He whispered, “Why did you homeschool?”
“So our family would be close and best friends with one another.”
“Why did you homeschool?”
Now I felt exasperated. With hands flailing and raised tone, I walked around the room, listing every reason I could think of.
Yet, one more time, the still, small voice repeated the question, penetrating deep into my heart. “Why did you homeschool?”
With every reason littering the floor at my feet, I stopped and thought. Then I bowed my head and admitted, “Because You told us to.”
“Then why are you making an idol of the results?” The quiet question slammed my heart and took my breath away. I hadn’t homeschooled because of assumed results and my Lord had never entered into agreements with me.
I live in covenant not in contract. Conviction swirled around me. He instructed. We obeyed. The results had never been guaranteed.
View From the Empty Nest: Life Doesn’t Turn Out Like It Was Supposed To
Boy, can this question come back to the empty nest if we feel disappointed at how life turned out.
“Why are you making an idol of the results,” still reverberates in my mind, usually when I’m frustrated or disappointed. Once again, I realize I’d allowed the false assumption that IF I did what Jesus said, THEN He’d make sure everything turned out, to creep into my mind. I’m not sure where this wrong thinking comes from. The School of Fair Play?
My relationship with Jesus is never transactional.
While obedience leads to beautiful relationship with our Abba God, it rarely leads to earthly success. Just look at the disciples. They left everything to follow the Lord. They endured deprivation and persecution while Jesus was still alive, and then after the crucifixion, they hid in fear of their lives. After the Holy Spirit filled them with power, they were driven from their synagogues and faced all the trials of starting the Church. Historically, every disciple died a martyr’s death.
I wonder if they ever surveyed their life after they laid it all down to follow Jesus and felt disappointed at how it turned out?
Go further back. What about Jeremiah? Obeying the Lord and speaking the exact words God said got him persecuted, hated, and thrown in the bottom of a well.
How about you? Do you ever look at the disappointments of life and think, “Really Jesus? I followed You and THIS is how things turned out?”
Rarely do we admit such doubts out loud, especially in church.
But if we read the Psalms, we see the Lord isn’t afraid of our disappointments and complaints. These Psalms even have a special name. They’re called the Psalms of Lament.
Psalm 142:1-2: With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him.
Psalm 102:1-5 ESV - 1 A Prayer of one afflicted, when he is faint and pours out his complaint before the LORD. Hear my prayer, O LORD; let my cry come to you! Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress! Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call!
Do you feel disappointed at how life turned out?
Are you struggling with your relationships with your children?
Are your children turning their backs on the Lord as adults?
Is your marriage struggling or even ended?
Do you have health or financial problems?
All these can poison our empty nest and create an environment of bitterness and fruitlessness.
Because these years should be fruitful, Kingdom building, wisdom sharing, and people loving.
Let’s look at problems many of us struggle with and see what Scripture gives as a solution.
Disappointments
As we examine different places many of us struggle, we’re going to the Psalms to find our solution. Make sure and loo at what are your jobs and what are the Lord’s. He acts on our behalf and we can trust Him! I’ve bolded every place I see a work of the Lord in these verses.
1.Disappointed I’m Lonely
The empty nest can feel very lonely. Where we were once surrounded by a flurry of activity and even longed for a moment of silence, we are now surrounded by quiet.
Maybe the kids don’t call or come by. Maybe they live far away.
One thing that surprised me was how hard I had to work to see my own friends when our children weren’t doing activities together that naturally brought us together.
Psalm 142:4-7 ESV - Look to the right and see: there is none who takes notice of me; no refuge remains to me; no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me.
It’s easy to feel forgotten and that no one care during the empty nest years. We are free to complain and cry out to the Lord about this pain.
BUT THEN! Then we look at the solutions in this Scripture: cry out to Lord. Seek refuge in Him. He our refuge to run into when we are lonely. We can talk, cry, complain, and crawl into His arms.
Let Him be ENOUGH.
2. Disappointed that Family or friend relationships are broken.
More time with people means more time for problems, so the longer we live, the more opportunities for our heart to break.
Psalm 41:9-12 ESV - Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me. But you, O LORD, be gracious to me, and raise me up, that I may repay them! By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me. But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever.
Read the first verse of this passage above. Doesn’t that sound like Jesus and Judas? He washed Judas’s feet and served him dinner, even though He knew Judas was about to betray Him.
That’s how Jesus wants us to treat those who have hurt us — with love, mercy, graciousness, and kindness.
The solution for our pain is to trust the Lord, WHO DELIGHTS IN US, to hold us, to be gracious and to raise us up out of the pain. When I honestly come to Jesus with my heartbreak and lay it before Him, He surrounds me with Himself.
I’d rather be in His presence than anywhere else.
3. Disappointed I Feel Rudderless in the Empty Nest
When life, family, jobs, or hopes don’t work our we can feel like we are floating in the ocean, waves driving us this way and that.
When our work as moms and teachers end with our children flying the nest, we can wonder what useful thing we should do.
We live in confusing times. So what should we do next? What need do we fill? Besides, does anyone see me? Need me?
Psalm 37:3-8 ESV - Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
Psalm 37:37, 39 ESV - Mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace. ... The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
This is a longer passage, but all of Psalm 37 is an amazing place to dive into. Read it in different versions. Study its truths.
But for now, concentrate on the few things you need to do: dwell where you are, befriend faithfulness, commit way to Lord, wait, be patient! I’m not saying this is easy, but it does allow you to get out of the way so you don’t mess up God’s plans!
And then look at all the Lord does for you: He will give you the desires of your heart, He is your salvation and your stronghold!
4. Just Disappointed.
Sometimes we feel generally disappointed.
We could probably list out the reasons, but there are empty nest moments where the strong emotion is just disappointment. Blah. Bah. Humbug.
My favorite Psalm for when I’m in this funk because of how life turned out is Psalm 16. We talked about this one in episode 304 of my podcast (link below), when I discussed dealing with sadness in the empty nest.
Psalm 16:2-11 ESV - I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Our theme through every scriptural solution is to keep Jesus in our face, under our feet, and all around us.
If every other person in our life ignores us, He doesn’t.
If every promise is broken, His aren’t.
If our security dissolves, His stronghold is eternal.
If we have no idea what to do, He makes known the path of life.
If we are lonely, abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten, He never stops being our refuge.
Him. Jesus. The Father. The Spirit.
We need every part of the Trinity.
Think of it this way. One thing disappointments mean is that less exist to distract us. Less exists for us to find false security or temporal love. NOW we have the privilege to find out the truth that has been true every moment of our lives:
Jesus is enough.
He meets every need.
And He NEVER disappoints.
Our solution for a disappointing empty nest is Him.
Podcast 306: 4 Solutions When I’m Disappointed With Life
If you would like to listen to me chatting through these verses, you can listen below, or on podcast app you use. Just look up the We’re Not Done Yet Podcast and find Episode 306.
If you are interested in the whole series, the links are below.